Mirrors

Mirrors - you can look and see only what you want to see, or sometimes, when you are not expecting it, you just really see. I see myself. I see myself in a bigger size body than I want, bigger than it was. I see myself in other people. Today I saw other people with problems like mine. People with more experience, strength, and hope than I have today. People I might learn from if I can just calm down and listen.

I see myself in my family. Good, bad, it's all there. I can't be critical it's all me.

I see myself leaving. Leaving a place I don't want to be, not listening any more when it's just too much, leaving and saying I just can't do this anymore and walking away.

Now comes the hard part - I need to stay away.

Quitting is easy. I've done it hundreds of times. It's staying stopped - that's the real trick.

Too many funerals

It's only the beginning of 2008 and I have gone to 2 funerals this week. I also went to one a couple weeks ago.

It's not that I did not want to go, and all three of the people who passed away lived long lives. Even the two funerals I missed were for people who lived to be over 100! Tanya's dad, and my great aunt Marj - they both passed away before the holidays in Nevada and I was not able to go there.

It's just that it's kind of draining, emotionally, even if you don't know the person well (Leslie's dad - I did not know him but I went for her) or if you knew it was coming soon.

I felt like I just wanted to make it through the service, then leave. Now.

I was thinking of my brother's funeral, and also about my parents - they might live a long time, but you never know. I'm just kind of exhausted.